Earthworm Lard

And now, time for something completely random. There's a new writer's group starting at my work, and for the first session, we've been invited to write a story about one of the seven sins. Can you guess which one I chose? Bear in mind, I did this very late last night after Aikido so it has been written in complete exhaustion...

"Oi, WATCH IT!"

Earthworm Lard was fed up. He had been rudely awaken again by an apple that had narrowly missed his head. He glared up at Harry, that stupid caterpillar who thought he was so clever living in the highest tree in the woods. Every day, Harry would jitter out along the tree's thickest branch, just to push anything off his precious 'porch'.

Earthworm Lard grunted and slid back under his leaf. Only he couldn't hide because holes had appeared overnight in his ceiling - those pesky slugs. Or had he been eating in his sleep again?

"I've had enough of this!" declared Earthworm Lard, to no-one in particular, "I'm going to build myself a proper house today."

And so Earthworm Lard wriggled out of his leaf and stretched his head around for inspiration. He didn't want to go too far. I mean, he is a worm after all. His beady eye fell on the apple that had almost killed him. Perfect!

Now Earthworm Lard knew his limits. He had tried in the past to build a luxury house of twigs but realised he simply didn't have the arms to do it. So he decided to use his biggest tool - his hunger.

With this genius idea, Earthworm Lard eagerly slithered over to the apple and gnawed his way in. It was time for breakfast anyway and he was always especially hungry in the mornings. Alas, the inevitable happened when he finally stopped munching and realised he had hollowed out the entire apple.

"Whoops!" laughed Earthworm Lard but was not in the least bit concerned. That idiot Harry had a habit of knocking things down so there was bound to be another nearby. He poked his head out his new front door and indeed there was another shiny apple waiting to be eaten, I mean, build into a house.

With the help of a friendly squirrel, he rolled the second apple over to sit by his future home. Bit by bit, he crunched and chomped his furniture into shape. All he needed really was a bed, sofa and dining table.

Now to get them out and into his new home. The friendly squirrel was still hovering nearby (he was waiting for the stash of nuts Earthworm Lard had promised him for helping to move the apple). Hm, another brainwave. Earthworm Lard ate his way through one side of the apple. Soon, he had made a hole big enough for the squirrel to reach his paws through and pick up the furniture.

With his bed, sofa and dining table now in his new home, Earthworm Lard sent the squirrel on his way. Earthworm Lard was pretty tired from all the eating and building, he just needed a rest. As he lay on his new bed, he began to nibble on the sides to make it narrower. He rolled over to take a nap and promptly fell off.

Looking up at his bed, Earthworm Lard thought, "The floor feels exactly the same as my bed, so I don't really need one." With that, he munched his bed down. A few burps later, Earthworm Lard looked at his dining table and wondered what a worm was meant to do with it exactly. It seemed to be all the rage with animals in the wood who ate off toadstools and the like, but Earthworm Lard admitted that he really couldn't see what the fuss was about. What's the fun with eating like a civilian?

To be honest, he always preferred to eat as soon as food was available. So it seemed rather fitting to Earthworm Lard to eat the table too, since he wasn't actually planning to use it.

With only a sofa left, Earthworm Lard stretched out and gazed around. Except that he couldn't see outside. Slithering over to the walls, he began to munch out some windows. The apple walls were so intoxicating that Earthworm Lard forgot where he was and managed to munch his way round and round the apple until he suddenly found himself lying on the grass.

By now, Earthworm Lard was feeling so full and exhausted - he didn’t even seem to notice that he’d just eaten his newly built home. He crawled over to his holey leaf and started to doze off…

“Oi, WATCH IT!” yelped Earthworm Lard, as a pear dropped from above, narrowly missing him, “That’s it, I’m building a proper house today.”

His beady eye fell on the pear – hm, now there’s an idea…

(It was 'greed', by the way)

Read more of Earthworm Lard's adventures here